Me, Myself & Mine

     When considering my web design today, I learned something new.  I work very hard to maintain ME while being married with three children.  But when creating a visual representation of MYSELF, I did not feel balanced until my children were represented.  I realized that it is impossible to separate myself from my kids because they are extensions of me.    

     Without them, I would not be the most current version of ME.  My children are reflections of me at my best when they are fun-loving, free-spirted, affectionate, and kind.  These are strengths of mine that I greatly appreciate.  But they are also reflections of me at my worst when a temper flares, a foul mood persists, or aggravated impatience is exhibited.  These are weakness of mine that I must accept and improve upon.  Their behavior teaches me about my behavior, and together we work to better ourselves.

     This morning was a bad morning.  I had a Mommy-Meltdown.  I lost my cool.  I used inappropriate language.  I set a horrible example.  This will all have to be undone, if that's even possible.  

     I will start with an apology for my behavior.  I will not offer excuses.  They already know how they contributed to the problem.  Believe me, I made that very clear.  Ugh.  

     I will look them in the eye and admit that I am not perfect.  I will tell them that I lost control of my emotions.  I will make a commitment to correct my behavior in the future.  And I will mean it. 

     I will demonstrate what an apology should look like.  I will demonstrate what an apology should sound like.  Most importantly, I will demonstrate what an apology should feel like.

     Hopefully we will all grow from our shared experience.  Because I am me.  And they are me.  We must work together to create the four best versions of ourselves possible.

  

     

Push Play

     Tonight is a pep talk kind of a night.  One of those nights that I would love nothing more than to doze off on the couch by the warm fire.
      I am stuck in relax mode.  I have failed on several counts to revert to mom mode.  I was quick to let the girls rent The Grinch because I knew it would keep them quietly occupied.  I ordered pizza for dinner so that I didn't have to cook.  I have enjoyed the easy distraction of my computer.
     But my leisure must come to an end.  I can't put off reality any longer.    There are things that need to be done.   Two little girls need help finishing their book reports.  The dogs need to be fed.  Laundry needs to be folded.  The mud-room floor needs to be found.  The dishwasher needs to be unloaded.  The rest of the mundane list isn't worth mentioning.  Nevertheless, it must be done.
     Just thinking about it makes my head hurt.  I know once I start, it won't be as bad as what I have premised in my mind.  Or maybe it will.  Either way, I'll feel better once I'm done.  So back to mom mode I go.  But it's gonna take some good music to keep me there.

Blessed Friends

     Do you notice that it's harder to make friends as you get older?  I do.  There seems to be more barriers.  More walls. More obstacles.  It takes longer for the ice to break.  Trust has to be earned, rather than granted. 

     Over the weekend we attended a white elephant Christmas Party.  It was simple and fun.  Light-hearted and jovial.  Silly and comfortable.  I woke up the next morning feeling happy.  

     I was thankful for the easy dynamic of the evening.  There were no barriers as impromptu yoga poses were being struck on the couch.  The only wall to scale was the one we attempted to climb in pyramid form to capture the perfect picture.  Tipsy stilettos proved to be the most dangerous obstacles.  And the ice that needed breaking was to enhance the already glorious Rum Chata.

     There were no judgements to be made, only fun to be had.  The general acceptance of the group made me feel like a kid again.  Now that I'm older, I feel lucky to have found new friends such as these.  

The Big Questions

Two summers ago, Gabriel asked innocently, "Mommy, what are the gays?"

     

I sat him down on our porch and had a compassionate conversation about what it meant to be a heterosexual versus a homosexual.  Most boys have crushes on girls, but some boys have crushes on boys (and vice versa.)  They don't choose for this to happen.  That's just the way God made them.  He understood this because he knows God makes us all of us special.  Being gay doesn't define a person, so the label of "the gays" (as he heard on television) could hurt someone's feelings.  I assured him I would love him the same if he was gay, and he should support any friends of his that he might later discover are gay.  

He walked away more grown up and tolerant, and it made me happy. 

Last summer, Gabriel asked, "Mommy, how do babies really get made?"

I sat him down in our kitchen and had an informative conversation about sex and reproduction.  We covered it all in great detail.  He understood when I told him that God made men and women fit together like puzzle pieces.  We talked about the icky words that made him squirm.  Erection.  Penis.  Vagina.  Sperm.  

     "Why would anyone want to do that Mommy?!" he asked, appalled. 

     "Well, buddy, because when you love someone, and you treat them with respect, and you're careful with their feelings: Sex feels good.  It feels like love.  The kind that makes your heart so happy that you can't help but smile." 

     I warned him sex could hurt people, too.  I compared it to driving a car.  When we treat a car with respect and drive safely, we arrive to our destination excited for the fun to begin.  But if we drive recklessly and don't have respect for the car, accidents happen, people can be hurt, and lives can change forever.

He walked away more grown up and informed, and it made me happy.  

Recently, Gabriel asked, "Mommy, is Santa Claus real?"

     I snuggled him in close to me like I did when he was a baby.  I told him that was a decision he had to make on his own.  It was his choice whether or not to believe in Santa.  I admitted truthfully that I still believe in the magic of Santa.  The anticipation of Santa creates joy and festiveness for kids and grown-ups alike.  The spirit of Santa encourages people to be kinder and more generous.  The tradition of Santa makes memories that will last a lifetime.  All of which are very real and very important. 

     "But does Santa put the presents under the tree or do you and Daddy?" he asked, still not satisfied. 

     "Well, honey, that answer depends on whether or not you choose to believe in Santa," I answered.

     He sat quietly.  He didn't push the issue.  He hugged me and went off to play.

He walked away more grown up and confused, and it made me sad. 

I Like Melons

     Not too long ago, Gabriel was having trouble with a kid at school (whom I shall refer to as Johnny.)  Johnny was repeatedly saying mean things to Gabe so that Gabe would feel bad in front of his peers.  For a few days, Gabe didn't mention it to me.  This wasn't the first time he's had trouble with this kid, and he probably suspected I would say what I always say, "If he's not being nice to you, then just ignore him and walk away."
     Finally, though, he'd had enough.  The kids and I were at Panera eating.  Gabe opened the conversation.
     "Mommy...it's happening again."
     I could tell by the tone of his voice exactly what and whom he was talking about.
     "Have you asked your teacher for help?" I asked him.
     "No, and I don't want to," he said.  "Johnny only does it when we're all hanging out.  He doesn't like it when I get attention.  If I tell, my friends will know I'm a tattle-tail.  I really want to handle it myself, but I don't know how."
     "Have you tried to talk to him when you're getting along instead of when you're mad at him?"  I asked.
     "No," Gabe admitted.  "I could try that I guess."
     "I have an idea!" Taylor interjected.
     "What?" Gabe asked, willing to consider all possibilities.
     "Say something mean to me," Taylor instructed Gabe to role-play.
     "Taylor, you smell!  I wish you would brush your teeth!" Gabe dramatized.
     Taylor smiled with content, as though what Gabe had just said delighted her.  Then she breathed a deep sigh of relief and fondly declared, "Ahhhh...I like melons!"
     The table fell quiet.  Taylor continued to smile.  My mind raced to catch up with hers.  I shot Gabe a raised-eyebrow look of confusion.  He reciprocated the lack of understanding.  Taylor started to giggle.  That's when we got it: Taylor diverted our mean focus by thinking happy thoughts.
     The whole dynamic of our conversation changed.  Heavy became light-hearted, and we all laughed until our bellies hurt.  Her tactic was genius, and we all knew it.
     Gabe looked forward to the next run-in with Johnny.  He couldn't wait to use his little sister's off-the-wall strategy to see if it worked.  But something unexpected happened: Johnny didn't do it again.  Maybe it was coincidental.  Or maybe Gabe returned to school that day with a renewed sense of confidence.  Maybe he appeared stronger to Johnny, and Johnny chose not to mess with him.
     If it does happen again, Gabriel is armed with a tactic that will make him smile instead of frown.  Even if the diversion doesn't work, we'll have something relatable to talk about over dinner.  A dinner in which we will welcome the advice of his little sisters.  Because they see the world differently through their innocent little eyes.  And when I listen close enough, even I am able shed my jaded lens.

     

I Choose to Smile

I work hard at living because I like to feel happy.  These practices leave me feeling the most content:

• I follow the Golden Rule and treat others the way I would like to be treated.
• I dwell on what is right instead of what is wrong, because we all have struggles.
• I distance myself from negativity because it is contagious.
• I behave the way I expect my children to behave.
• I care for the feelings of others, because the world does not revolve around me.
• I deliver my opinions carefully to those that I trust are open to receiving my ideas.  
• I understand my perspective is not the only perspective.
• I remember that two wrongs only make me just as wrong.
• I recognize I am part of the problem when I am involved in a problem.
• I apologize when I'm wrong, and I make it a point to learn from my mistakes.
• I forgive, and then I make the difficult choice to forget.
• I revisit the list above when I'm not happy and fix what's broken.  Woe is not me.
• I apply all of the above to social networking websites.

Daddy-Daughter Dance

     I just returned from visiting my brother.  He has two sweet little girls that are five and seven.  Last spring, he and his wife of eight years separated.  It was horrible.  I've never heard a grown man's heart break like his did on a daily basis.  The thought of disappointing his daughters nearly killed him.  I mean it.  There were moments when I called just to make sure he was still alive.  I worried about him constantly.  If he called, I answered.  Whether it was while walking on the beach during our family vacation in California or shopping at Kroger alone with the kids, I took his call.

     Then spring turned into summer, summer turned into fall, and fall has turned to winter.  Divorce proceedings are underway, custody is still being decided, and he just underwent major back surgery; all as he continues to run a successful business.  His stress load has multiplied exponentially.  Yet he's standing taller and stronger than I've ever seen him.

     I watch him with his daughters and I am amazed.  He cares about their feelings.  He listens to what they have to say.  When he's made a mistake he gets down on one knee, looks them in the eye, offers them a sincere hug and says, "I'm sorry."  That's it.  I'm sorry.  No but to follow, no lesson to be learned, no excuse to be made.

     I look in his oldest daughter's room and I can tell how much she loves him.  Of all the girly chapter books on her shelf, an antique copy of Chip Hilton sits on her bedside table.  This is her current independent book of choice.  It sits next to the Cleveland Browns helmet they got at the last game together, and one of his old weathered footballs from high school.  He didn't tell her how to decorate her room.  She made these sentimental decisions on her own.

     I watch as his youngest daughter stands behind him on the couch and drapes her arms around his neck.  He grimaces in pain, but doesn't say a word.  "Be careful with your daddy's back," I say.  He shoots me an annoyed glare that tells me he's okay.  Then I hear him whisper in her ear that she is fine just where she is.  She smiles from ear to ear and kisses him on the cheek.

     I am impressed when he gets up to go sit at the kids' table at Denny's.  I know he hasn't slept well, and his daughters are perfectly content sitting with their cousins.  But their eyes light up when they see him approach, and they readily scoot over in the booth to make room for him.  Time with his daughters is precious now, and he is sure to make every minute count.

     I am touched as I listen to the three of them laugh together while telling us about their most recent adventures.  Just last week, he and his oldest were in a stall together in a women's public restroom.  Usually he stands outside the bathroom door and waits for her.  But she asked him to come in, because she missed him.  It was empty at the time, so he happily agreed.  However it filled up quickly, so they were forced to exit with apologies and embarrassed giggles.  The other women weren't offended.  They thought it was sweet.

     Even though my brother's current situation is less than ideal, I am so proud of him for making the most of it.  He is teaching his girls that quality is just as important as quantity.  He is teaching them to find all kinds of reasons to smile, instead of dwelling on the frown.  He is demonstrating the virtue of patience as they all work towards more time together.  He is setting an example of what it means to be a bigger person without having to say a word.  And when it's all said and done, his daughters will thrive because he spent time at rock bottom.